Category: Personal Empowerment

I Didn’t Think My Heart Attack Was a Big Deal: Why I Was Wrong

It was Sunday, March 24th, at 6:30 a.m. I finally got up to feed my devilishly persistent cats. Their regular MO is to run around using me as a springboard in order to wake me up and get my attention. They didn’t really care that it was Sunday and that I wanted to sleep in. I slowly got up and immediately noticed the irritating burning under my chin. It felt as if I was trying to have a sore throat; you know that feeling you have right before you get sick? I ignored it and continued to the kitchen and the task of feeding the cats. Fifteen minutes later with the cats satisfied, I headed back to bed, but quickly noticed that the irritation was getting worse. In fact, it felt as if someone was taking sandpaper to the area just below my chin and down the front of my chest to the tip of my stomach.

Don’t let my smile fool you.

It was at this point, I thought “something is not right here…this is definitely not right.” I felt a moment of panic and took an antacid as if that would help (which of course it did not). I laid down and felt a bit of relief. Then the pain began to spread. Up until now it had been running vertically. Now it was spreading across my front from shoulder to shoulder and eventually shoulder to shoulder across my back. While I knew something was definitely not “right” I still got into a shower. I remembered thinking “well I haven’t died yet so it can’t be that bad.”

I got dressed and then called my friend and neighbor and said “I’m trying to decide whether I’m having a heart attack.” She asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said yes. A few minutes later she was at my front door. It took us 20 minutes to get to my HMO. As we drove, my conversation dwindled as my symptoms worsened to the point where I could not speak.

Once I walked into the ER, I was rapidly admitted and a few minutes later they confirmed I was having a cardiac “event.”

Tip #1: Do NOT have a friend drive you 20 minutes to a hospital. Call 911. Make an agreement with people close to you that if something life-threatening is happening, whether a heart attack, stroke or an assault, that you seek out the professional help you need. Friends or family are there for support and comfort only.

In my case, I knew I couldn’t drive myself, and given that logic neither should anyone else. I will say I wasn’t actually thinking very rationally. Taking a shower was not the top priority. This irrational thinking reminded me of the time I was in a bank robbery where the robbers took over the entire branch. I threw all the money I had into my trash can as I had been trained by the “what to do in a robbery” training videos. Since one of the bandits had a gun and was wearing a mask, this was definitely a life and death situation. You never really know how you will respond in this type of situation. That’s how I felt when I was having the heart attack. I wanted everything to be “normal” and I think my misguided logic said if I call 911, it’s definitely not normal. This is a coping mechanism. I remembered thinking I don’t want to call 911 because I don’t want to be the house that everyone comes out to see what’s going on. Not rational either.

Back in the ER and several tests later, they scheduled me to have an angiogram early the next morning. An angiogram would give them a precise view of what was going on inside my heart and arteries.

Around 5 p.m they finally told me I was being moved to a regular room and what a blessing this was. The frenzy and brief horror of the ER was quickly forgotten as I settled into my room. Thankfully, I had it to myself. That night was a series of meds and BP checks and intermittent sleep. Having never gone through and angiogram, or recently spoken to someone who had, I was managing my anxiety by listening and watching the C.A.R.E. channel on my TV. I watched the parade of relaxing scenes and listened to a meditation that relaxed and calmed me about the upcoming procedure. Kudos to Kaiser for this service!

After being pushed to the back of the line several times for anogiograms a team appeared at 1 p.m. to prep me for the procedure. Finally, we would have some answers. While everyone agreed I’d had an MI (myocardial infarction) they couldn’t actually agree upon why. All of my previous test results – cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. – were quite stellar. Everyone kept wondering (including myself) how could I have had a heart attack when my test results were so good? Well, it turns out those test results are just “generally accepted” guidelines for a larger swath of the population. Okay, but I still wasn’t sold on this response.

Up until the time I went for the procedure, they were all floating the possibility that I was experiencing “shibutani” also known as “broken heart syndrome” because test results just “didn’t fit.” This theory made no sense to me because my life was pretty normal and my time for “broken heart” syndrome was about 9 years too late.

As the team wheeled me out, they told my friends it would be about an hour and half and then I would be back. As it turned out I was gone for 3 hours and by that time my friend who had driven me to the hospital was frantically trying to find out what was happening with me.

The first thing they told me in the procedure/operating room was that most people don’t remember what goes on during the procedure. They do not put you “out” but rather give you enough meds to feel no pain and still be awake and aware. I remember most everything and I won’t go into details. I will say I felt comfortably numb and mostly kept them entertained when they were not focusing on cleaning out my arteries and inserting the stents.

As it turned out my left anterior descending artery was 99% blocked. When I looked at the before picture of this artery, it looked “broken” in that nothing or very little was getting through. Apparently, the right coronary artery was clogged too – about 85%. That’s pretty major. So much for “broken heart syndrome.” I sometimes wonder how I was able to do three zumba classes a week and never experience a symptom.

Tip #2. What or how things appear outwardly is not always indicative of what’s truly going on inside.

By inside, I mean, inside your body or your mind. Too often we say one thing and actually think or want another. In my case my test results showed something quite differently than what was actually going on inside my body. I honestly thought I’d escaped the bad genetics. My mother and her siblings and parents, all died relatively young (my mother was 57) of massive heart attacks. Several years prior I’d mentioned this to my primary care physician, but based on my test results (and they were consistently good) she never felt the need to screen deeper. I can’t really blame her.

Additionally, when I went for my follow up with her five days after I was released from the hospital, she kept telling me how great I looked (I’m not really sure how you are supposed to look after a heart attack). Okay, that’s a nice compliment but it kind of did a head job on me. I disregarded what a big event this actually was and how it impacted me over the next several weeks and months.

Over the next few weeks I went through a wide range of emotions from being cocky to “are these pains normal?,” to “oh shit I AM mortal.” I realized I had minimized what happened to me with the heart attack. Part of this is just denial. Who wants to admit that they are mortal? We cannot dwell on our mortality or we wouldn’t be able to experience a full life. I have mostly been being with the discomfort and denial of my heart attack and present to the myriad of feelings I was experiencing. I was finally able to love and comfort myself and fully acknowledge this as the life-shaping event it was and continues to be.

Which brings me to…

Tip #3 You – me – we absolutely, 100% deserve to be seen and acknowledged with love and compassion even when we get things “wrong.” We all deserve this acknowledgment purely because we exist. Getting things “wrong” simply means we haven’t found a better way yet to do something. Right or wrong is a judgment and a perspective. Let them go if they do not help you.

We all have an “expiration” date. Most of us don’t know when it will be and that’s a good thing. For me, I knew it wasn’t my time. I have many more years to go (although they seem to fly by now much faster than they used to). It doesn’t matter whether you have days, or years left on this planet. What matters is that you live each day with love, compassion (self and others) and with purpose and intention because facing your mortality is a big deal. What matters is that you live each day – each moment – with the awareness of who you are as a human being and that you learn to love yourself unconditionally.

My 21-Day Cleanse Experience: Day 4

The thrill is gone…oh wait, there never was any thrill. Ok folks, this is NOT actually getting any easier. I had a terrible headache today…again. I went in search of sinus meds because it seemed like it was coming from there, but who knows. What I DO know is that I miss my chicken and fish more than I can express. I am awash in disappointment and some sadness at the absence of these simple proteins from my diet. Not to mention, I can’t seem to focus. Every day I ask myself “is this worth it”? The jury is still out. Although my pain is so much less, I feel that I traded one pain for another. Sad face emoji. Why can’t I just have some chicken? I’m at the point where I don’t really want to even eat. Another sad face emoji.

Off to bed where I don’t have to think about eating or not eating.

Why Needing External Validation Can Be Harmful

When I was growing up, I often felt like I needed to hear confirmation that the decisions I was making or not making, were correct, so I sought out external acknowledgment and validation from others. As I grew more confident in my judgment, I relied less on that external validation and more on my own internal wisdom. Now I rarely seek out external input, although when it occasionally does happen I see it as a growth opportunity.

The terms “internal” and “external” in this context is one of several NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) terms called Metaprograms. In short, Metaprograms are unconscious filters to process incoming information so you can utilize it in productive ways in your life or interactions with others.

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Are You Afraid of Choice?

I recently finished teaching another certified beginning Akashic Practitioner training, and while exhausted, it always reminds me of what I value most and how good this work is for me, my students and the planet.

At the same time, a client contacted me for advice about a challenging situation she is facing concerning her son, his children, divorce and the soon to be “ex;” a common situation in our culture.

I felt honored that she would contact me for advice as it can be challenging to witness this kind of situation and feel unable to do anything about it. Since I’d just taught the most wonderful spiritual training, my guidance to my client was simple (but by no means easy): Communicate with her family that she unfailingly holds them in a bubble of love, compassion, and inspiration, and this may mean keeping her boundaries in tact and her feelings to herself.

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Why This is So Hard and Yet Must be Done

Recently I was pondering a past relationship in which something had been “done to me” that felt so heinous I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive it. In fact, it happened more than 25 years ago, and I was still harboring deep feelings of anger. Since I teach Ho’oponopono (the Hawaiian process of forgiveness), I felt a bit at odds about urging others to embrace forgiveness when it didn’t seem I was fully walking my talk. In that very moment, I tapped into a brilliant source of illumination and let it rain down on me as if I’d just stepped into the shower. I finally experienced forgiving this person, a feeling I’d not been able to allow before. There is a bit more work to do, but at that moment, a sense of surrender and release flowed through me, and it was hugely freeing!

My past inability to let go of this offense added a layer of useless distress to the junkyard of emotions I’d worked so successfully to pare down. There had been a part of me that didn’t want to let go of these feelings (which is of course why I still held onto them). I wanted to feel self-righteous. I fought the tug-o-war of releasing this man from what he’d inadvertently done to me. Maybe he has held onto his guilt, I don’t know, and I don’t care now. What I finally got on a heart level is what I teach every day of my life: everyone is doing the best they know how and he was no exception. In my heart and mind, I finally released the energetic rope that bound me to him. That release, in turn, enabled my heart to grow bigger and fuller in alignment with Source and my reason for being here.

Everyone has something they believe they cannot forgive. Be it an insult, direct injury, perceived betrayal, disappointment or hurt. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t experience this yet I ask you to imagine all the angst and pain you’ve caused yourself by holding on to the real or perceived offense? What is the price you’ve paid in your quest for self-righteousness and vindication? Was it worth it? Probably not.

When you finally accept others for the flawed humans they are you will look back and realize what a waste of time it was to keep this person wrong!

In the bowl of emotional soup, love is the main ingredient followed closely by forgiveness and compassion. It is a meal we must eat every day to survive emotionally and spiritually and grow as a human in this lifetime. It is your purpose to evolve. Holding on to junk hurts only you and stunts the process of your fabulous potential. This is why you must find forgiveness.

If you are having a hard time forgiving someone, then I invite you to download my free Ho’oponopono meditation and listen as often as you need to until you can forgive and see the truth; that you are both flawed humans from a Divine lineage. http://www.juliehawkins.com/free-things/

What are you worth?

I recently had several people tell me that they read all my blogs. I was a bit stunned and certainly pleased. It started me thinking about the value I bring to others and what it’s worth.

How do you determine what your “value” or “worth” is? What value do you bring to those around you (personally or professionally)? Is it a dollar figure, contribution or service, unconditional love, understanding, compassion, or something else entirely? Most women and (a few men) struggle with the concept of “value” and “worth”regardless of what they do for a living, however, self-employed individuals often struggle much more with this if what they have to offer is a service.

Often the labels of “value” and “worth” are used interchangeably. I’m not sure it makes a difference, however, here’s how I see it. I ascribe a dollar amount to the word “worth.” When I think of “value” I think of how important something is to me. Of course, what holds value to me may not have the same value to you.

There are things I could not put a dollar amount to such as human, animal and plant life. If our Earth home ceases to have plant and animal life, what is its value? I’m not suggesting that would happen so don’t get your knickers in a twist. It’s simply an extreme observation of how I see the difference between “value” and “worth.” Life is not a commodity that can be assigned a dollar amount. You are unique and bring something special to Earthdom.

You are priceless. What you have to offer is priceless. Everyone has value in some context. Even the “worst” human has value because it teaches you what you do not want to have or be. How do you put a price on that?

Simply put, how you decide your “value” or “worth,” is highly dependent on context, perspective, and beliefs. Additionally, do not confuse what you earn with what you are worth.

You come into this life with no understanding of the concepts of “value” or “worth” and as you grow you learn a version of what these concepts mean. Then these concepts become your beliefs until you find another definition you like better. If you need another version of how you define your own “value” or “worth” then check out my tips below. Ask yourself the following:

1. What are my current beliefs about my worth and/or value? How did I determine this? What is it based on?
2. Am I confusing my value with my earning power?
3. What context am I using to discern my worth?
4. What do I offer to those around me, both personally and professionally? What do I think about this?

As to your monetary value if you provide a product or service, ask your clients/customers what is it worth to them? What is it worth to you?

Would you like to have a different belief about your “value” and/or “worth”? Then create one. Remember, you and you alone, decide what your “value” and “worth” is.

Are You Holding a Grudge?

Alexander Pope said, “to err is human, to forgive divine.”

I first heard this saying from my mother when I was growing up. I didn’t realize how important it was until I was much older. Ah, with age comes wisdom…thankfully.

Are you holding a grudge? The truth is we all make mistakes and holding a grudge is not only silly and useless, it can be harmful.

I’m sure you’ve heard astounding stories about a murder victim’s parents forgiving the murderer and you might wonder ‘how do they do that’? How do you forgive someone for taking what’s most precious from you? These astounding forgiveness stories have a common theme. All the forgivers say they felt stuck in never-ending pain and loss. That they couldn’t move out of the pain of the past until they came to some level of forgiveness in the present.

Simply put, forgiveness is healing and moves your life forward.

Holding a grudge simply masks the hurt of the perceived “wrongdoing.” Sadly, it only really has impact on you since the perceived wrongdoer seldom realizes you even have these feelings (nor can they do anything about them). What’s more, living in denial or holding on to your self-righteous anger, resentment, pride, and judgment likely keeps you from the very thing you want most – happy, loving and lasting professional and personal relationships.

Do I sound unsympathetic? On the contrary I have compassion for you and your perception of the “offense.” I understand. I also know that love, acceptance and forgiveness feel better than judgment, pride and resentment. Love, or at least acceptance (non-judgment) is your natural state of being and feeling anger, resentment, fear and other harsh feelings can be brutally debilitating, all because of a story of perceived wrong you have going on in your head.

How do you forgive what seems like an unforgivable act? You have to be willing to look at your own part in the play, which is often the hardest part. Sometimes it means admitting, “I was wrong” without choking on those words. Other times you may feel you have nothing to forgive. That’s fine, but sometimes just taking the perspective of “this person was just doing the best they knew how” (acceptance) is enough to move out of the resentment or judgment of the past.

Here’s what I know for a fact. After watching my partner die a horrible death from cancer I know that every moment counts and every moment needs to be the best it can be. I know that these perceived “wrongs” or misunderstandings are never as bad, intentional, or unforgivable as it may feel in the moment or even upon reflection and that its just a story you have running around your head. You CAN pick a new and healthier story to live in your head. You CAN choose to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your direction.

The Hawaiians have a beautiful forgiveness process called Ho’oponopono. Ho’oponopono means to make things “right” inside because they know the value of working together and working from love rather than anger and resentment.

If you’ve been hanging on to these old stories, resentments and anger then I invite you to choose a better way by downloading my FREE Ho’oponopono meditation. I believe it is so important that I made the meditation available to everyone on my website. Just click any of the links and download your way to the kind of successful relationships you truly want.

Julie Hawkins is The Biz Psychic, Women’s Empowerment Coach and Psychic and Spiritual Studies teacher. www.bizpsychic.com

My Health Scare and what YOU need to Know!

Recently I spent a few hours in the ER. I’m fine now, but I wasn’t. Two nights in a row, as I was laying down in the evening, just minding my own business and watching TV, I experienced a very frightening “episode.”

I consider myself to be in very good health. I work out three times a week, have lost extra weight and my last test results came back so good, even I was surprised. My blood pressure is an almost constant 118/70. It never really changes or goes up. So when I started to experience a quickening of my heart and a pounding in my head so much so that it startled me, I correctly felt some concern.

The first episode was on Wednesday night and the second on Thursday night, both near the same time and both while I was completely at rest. Weird, right?

Frankly, this second episode scared me so much I called into the advice nurse (alas, I waited on hold for more than 50 minutes – not useful). Then I decided to ask my neighbor to take me to the ER. My head was pounding so hard I thought I might have a stroke! My Fitbit told me I was in “cardio” mode and since I was simply standing still this was alarming! Additionally, I was very nauseous so wondered if I might be having a heart attack.

Since the symptoms escalated I said “we need to call 911.” In 3 minutes I had a plethora of very capable and delightfully attractive paramedics standing in my living room hooking me up to a heart monitor and talking to me. Thankfully, they confirmed it wasn’t a heart attack! They asked about my medications and if I was taking anything new?

Aha…! I’ve had chronic back pain for as far back as I can remember. I’ve done a tremendous amount of practitioner centered and self-healing work on this and I’m at the point where I mostly manage the pain. Sometimes it flares up and then it’s bad, but that’s another story. My pain management includes the use of prescription medication and frankly I do not like doing this. So in my quest to find an alternative, I turned to CBD. CBD is Cannabidiol and is a compound found of marijuana. I’m not going to get into the science of it; you can look that up. What I found was that it is supposed to be really good for treating inflammation and pain without the “high.” This sounded great! I had some in capsule form so I went for it. I took one in the evening and slept well and found that my pain was decreased. Yeah!! I took another the next night and didn’t find as much relief. By the time I took the third capsule, it triggered an allergic response only I didn’t know that’s what it was because it happened so long after I’d taken the supplement.

Now that I’ve stopped the supplement it’s clear that was the problem.

Here’s my awareness from this experience. First of all, I realized an allergic response can come days, weeks or longer after ingesting something. It happened to me a year ago when I took a different prescribed anti-inflammatory and the reaction occurred after 2 weeks. That allergic reaction caused severe muscle weakness and pain, plate hives (itching spots the size of plates) and affected my brain!

I guess I just thought that an allergic reaction happens immediately – and maybe it does sometimes – but that may not the norm!

The other awareness I got was that as much as I think I’m “immortal” my human body is not. The possibility that I was having a life threatening experience brought me front and center with my own mortality and frankly, it was an interesting experience.

While I am not afraid of dying, after all, I talk to dead people and I know what’s on the other side, I awake each day with the notion of living with purpose, love, and compassion and the intention to thrive in my own life. It is my focus.

Still, lying in the ER bed with a heart monitor and blood pressure cuff attached was a surreal experience.

So folks, beware of allergic reactions that can follow long after ingesting something. Know your body and don’t be afraid to call 911, if nothing else you will be surrounded by people who are completely there for your benefit and care and they might all be hunks!

Here’s Your Magic Bullet – Part 2

In part one I talked about how people want the magic bullet solution to their problems and I opinioned that you are the magic bullet! Since you are the one who creates your reality, you are the one who can change it! And as you know you cannot change anyone else so stop this fruitless exercise.

Why You Need to Acknowledge Your Beliefs.

Beliefs are habitual and the more you repeat them the more you believe them, negative or positive. Remembering that you were not born with your beliefs and that you’ve learned them provides you with the empowered perspective you need to change them.

You can only change what you acknowledge exists. Acknowledge your beliefs for what they currently are. Changing a belief may be physically uncomfortable as well as emotionally painful (such as quitting an addiction).

Fear is a Belief.

Unless it is a threat to your existence, fear itself is generally self-created. As humans we tend to fall into the “what if” syndrome. “What will happen if I try this and it doesn’t work?” “What will happen if I don’t do that?” We can “what if” ourselves into being afraid and stuck.

Somewhere along the way you learned to be afraid. If you hadn’t learned this belief you wouldn’t even know to do it. Fear is a belief.

Getting out of the “what if” syndrome.

All of your feelings, emotions, memories, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, (remember it’s all about beliefs) create your reality. I know it can be a challenge to change your beliefs so how about just broadening your perspective?

Below is a short version of an exercise I do with my clients to broaden their perspective and change the “what if” thoughts.

  • Describe the problem out loud as if you were explaining it to a friend, including how it makes you feel (frustrated, disappointed, anxious, etc.).
  • Say to yourself “how else can I look at this problem or challenge?” or “what can I do to change the situation?”
  • Repeat the above questions until you come up with 4 or five different perspectives (possible solutions). They don’t even have to be realistic (in fact sometimes it’s better if they are not). It’s simply to open up your mind to the possibilities so you can stretch beyond your blocks.

Persistence and Courage.

Now it is time to take a journey. This journey is to a special place within you. It is to your place of strength, courage, wisdom and empowerment, and also your pain.

You will come to the edge of this pain and fear and wonder if you can step into it. You may waiver…it is the place you most want to avoid going. Persist. This is the hardest part. Inch a bit closer. Enter the place that scares you most.

Your mind may tell you it’s too hard or it may even trick you into believing you’ve already done the work (hint: if the problem still exists, you have work to do). Persist. Talk yourself through it. Slip into the feelings and let them envelope you until your pain, discomfort and fear begin to subside. You can do it!

It may feel like you have climbed a mountain! You can now finally look at this challenge for what it was; a belief you once held that is no longer your reality. You have consciously changed the habitual belief and this changes your present and future.

You may be working with an old, old pattern and you will likely have to repeat the above process (maybe several times). It can be very hard at times. I get it; I’ve been there. Know this, the excuses or doubts are fear in disguise. You have the courage, power and persistence to get where you want to be. You will face what’s waiting on the other side when you get there and not before. Make this your new belief!

Where’s the Magic Bullet? Part 1

When I give readings and a theme appears I believe it’s important to share that insight with many people. Clients have been asking “why is this happening…again,” or “I’ve worked on this all my life and I’ve done everything, classes, therapy, coaching and I still have this problem. So why is this still happening? I’m sick of it and I’m ready for it to be done!” (Where’s that damn Magic Bullet!)?Mind Spin

I understand this sentiment very well. To begin with it’s important you understand why this is repeatedly happening. It’s happening because you signed up for this life lesson! Of course, nobody would consciously agree to come back and work on lack of self-confidence, scarcity thinking, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, etc., but you did make that agreement between lifetimes.

At the end of your human lifetime you return to Source and convene with your council of support beings to co-create anew. You forget the feelings, emotions, burdens and challenges that come with being human. You have to forget those feelings or you’d never agree to come back. So you agree with your council that working on say, boundaries & empowerment (that’s my big life lesson) is a wonderful challenge to work on when you return to your next human life. And so you come back and begin your work. The kicker is you never know how and when you are going to learn your life lesson so it happens over and over in various forms and severity. Additionally, once you get this lesson Source has to make sure you really get it so it will occasionally reappear even after you get it (cuz you know you gotta make sure you got it!).

Knowing all this who wouldn’t want a magic bullet? There’s a lot of work to being human! The thing is you really do have a magic bullet. Everyone does. It’s YOU!

You are the only one who controls your reality. All kinds of things will happen to you in your lifetime and how you deal with them creates your reality. The “bad” things impact and shape your life far more than the “good” things because they impact you on a deeper and more memorable level. That’s just the way it is for humans. Here’s the thing though, if you didn’t feel and remember these things so deeply you probably wouldn’t work on them. Pain is a far more superior motivator of change than pleasure.

Now back to the magic bullet. All of this “stuff” (feelings, emotions, memories, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, uh beliefs, it’s all about beliefs) creates your reality. In order to change your reality you need to change your beliefs. I know you know that so you do all this work and still you wonder why that pesky challenge is still happening. It continues to happen because you come right to the edge of the pain and then back away because it’s too painful to stay there and work through it. That’s the catch and it’s pretty human.

Unfortunately, the magic bullet is staying with the pain. There is NO way around this. 12-step programs are very helpful with this process and I use my own proprietary 6-step process to do this work.

So it comes back to beliefs. Remember, beliefs are learned, no exceptions. You didn’t come into this world with them. So if you learned them, you can unlearn them and learn something new.

Listen, I get that beliefs can be complicated to change (I’m working on the belief that I need gum after I eat lunch or dinner instead of chocolate). There is usually a huge amount of emotion connected to beliefs.

The magic bullet is also about working very slowly and incrementally on the pain and it takes conscious work to change the habitual belief (as opposed to energetically “clearing” the belief). It takes commitment, mindfulness, awareness, compassion, patience and persistence.

Persistence is key so I’ll address that in part two of The Magic Bullet. In the meantime remember that you and your beliefs are the magic bullet to changing your reality and when you change your reality you can change the outcome to be what you truly want.

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