Recently I was pondering a past relationship in which something had been “done to me” that felt so heinous I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive it. In fact, it happened more than 25 years ago, and I was still harboring deep feelings of anger. Since I teach Ho’oponopono (the Hawaiian process of forgiveness), I felt a bit at odds about urging others to embrace forgiveness when it didn’t seem I was fully walking my talk. In that very moment, I tapped into a brilliant source of illumination and let it rain down on me as if I’d just stepped into the shower. I finally experienced forgiving this person, a feeling I’d not been able to allow before. There is a bit more work to do, but at that moment, a sense of surrender and release flowed through me, and it was hugely freeing!
My past inability to let go of this offense added a layer of useless distress to the junkyard of emotions I’d worked so successfully to pare down. There had been a part of me that didn’t want to let go of these feelings (which is of course why I still held onto them). I wanted to feel self-righteous. I fought the tug-o-war of releasing this man from what he’d inadvertently done to me. Maybe he has held onto his guilt, I don’t know, and I don’t care now. What I finally got on a heart level is what I teach every day of my life: everyone is doing the best they know how and he was no exception. In my heart and mind, I finally released the energetic rope that bound me to him. That release, in turn, enabled my heart to grow bigger and fuller in alignment with Source and my reason for being here.
Everyone has something they believe they cannot forgive. Be it an insult, direct injury, perceived betrayal, disappointment or hurt. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t experience this yet I ask you to imagine all the angst and pain you’ve caused yourself by holding on to the real or perceived offense? What is the price you’ve paid in your quest for self-righteousness and vindication? Was it worth it? Probably not.
When you finally accept others for the flawed humans they are you will look back and realize what a waste of time it was to keep this person wrong!
In the bowl of emotional soup, love is the main ingredient followed closely by forgiveness and compassion. It is a meal we must eat every day to survive emotionally and spiritually and grow as a human in this lifetime. It is your purpose to evolve. Holding on to junk hurts only you and stunts the process of your fabulous potential. This is why you must find forgiveness.
If you are having a hard time forgiving someone, then I invite you to download my free Ho’oponopono meditation and listen as often as you need to until you can forgive and see the truth; that you are both flawed humans from a Divine lineage. http://www.juliehawkins.com/free-things/
I recently had several people tell me that they read all my blogs. I was a bit stunned and certainly pleased. It started me thinking about the value I bring to others and what it’s worth.
How do you determine what your “value” or “worth” is? What value do you bring to those around you (personally or professionally)? Is it a dollar figure, contribution or service, unconditional love, understanding, compassion, or something else entirely? Most women and (a few men) struggle with the concept of “value” and “worth”regardless of what they do for a living, however, self-employed individuals often struggle much more with this if what they have to offer is a service.
Often the labels of “value” and “worth” are used interchangeably. I’m not sure it makes a difference, however, here’s how I see it. I ascribe a dollar amount to the word “worth.” When I think of “value” I think of how important something is to me. Of course, what holds value to me may not have the same value to you.
There are things I could not put a dollar amount to such as human, animal and plant life. If our Earth home ceases to have plant and animal life, what is its value? I’m not suggesting that would happen so don’t get your knickers in a twist. It’s simply an extreme observation of how I see the difference between “value” and “worth.” Life is not a commodity that can be assigned a dollar amount. You are unique and bring something special to Earthdom.
You are priceless. What you have to offer is priceless. Everyone has value in some context. Even the “worst” human has value because it teaches you what you do not want to have or be. How do you put a price on that?
Simply put, how you decide your “value” or “worth,” is highly dependent on context, perspective, and beliefs. Additionally, do not confuse what you earn with what you are worth.
You come into this life with no understanding of the concepts of “value” or “worth” and as you grow you learn a version of what these concepts mean. Then these concepts become your beliefs until you find another definition you like better. If you need another version of how you define your own “value” or “worth” then check out my tips below. Ask yourself the following:
1. What are my current beliefs about my worth and/or value? How did I determine this? What is it based on?
2. Am I confusing my value with my earning power?
3. What context am I using to discern my worth?
4. What do I offer to those around me, both personally and professionally? What do I think about this?
As to your monetary value if you provide a product or service, ask your clients/customers what is it worth to them? What is it worth to you?
Would you like to have a different belief about your “value” and/or “worth”? Then create one. Remember, you and you alone, decide what your “value” and “worth” is.
Recently I was conducting readings at a weekend psychic fair. Most of the readings were Akashic (guidance and clarity), however, I did one medium type reading and it was fascinating and, well, unexpected.
An older gentleman and his wife sat down at my table. I proceeded to get his name so I could open his records. His sole question to me was “what happened to my grandfather”? Once I had his records open I realized that he wanted a reading to connect with his deceased grandfather. I closed his records and opened my own.
Once in my records I silently asked his grandfather to come forward. What I saw next in mind’s eye was unexpected and unsettling. I received the image of two men and one of them had his arm severed at the shoulder. My image, while devoid of feelings was still a bit shocking. I knew intuitively that this was a freak accident. It felt like some kind of large piece of farm equipment had malfunctioned severing the man’s arm. When I told my client this he and his wife exchanged glances. He then told me this had happened to his uncle and explained it was a train rather than farm machinery that caused the accident. I then requested again to speak to the grandfather.
Over the last 6 years I’ve used all the skills I have (and I have many) gotten help from others and have still been unable to reconnect in what I call a meaningful relationship with my daughter. The results of my efforts often feel painful and disappointing, yet I persist; she is and always will be my daughter.
Recently I gave several readings with a mother/daughter theme so I paid attention. I wondered what I insight I could learn from other people’s readings that would provide some peace for my own relationship.
Here’s what I learned in general:
Mother/daughter relationships are challenging for many reasons, no matter how close mother and daughter were during the child’s minor years, there just seems to be a natural “parting of the ways” in adulthood. Never having had my mother in adulthood (my mother died when I was 15) I do not have the benefit of this perspective. It may very well have happened the same way for my mother and I. I imagine that daughters want to grow up and be on their own and don’t want to rely on or confide in mom at some point. Ugh, that’s a dagger in the heart! But I guess they just don’t need mom like they used to, unless they have children (that’s a whole other topic).
Here’s what else I learned. It doesn’t matter what I do, it’s wrong. Again, I think it’s just a function of a daughter wanting to be her own person. Daughters, no matter how wonderful they are, forget that mothers are human too and have real lives and feelings; feelings that are often more powerful than can be explained or understood unless the daughters too are mothers.
Also, the mother/daughter challenge seems to transcend age. I’ve given readings to women in their 60s whose mothers are living and it’s just as much of a challenge for them as for women decades younger.
Then there are the boundaries, or lack thereof. Listen, I grew up without a mother role model and when I was young my parents thought I could make adult decisions. Oddly enough I could however it did not replace the lack of education in boundary formation and enforcement. I had a very basic understanding of boundaries and did the best I knew how when setting them with my daughter. In turn, I wasn’t very good at teaching her about boundaries. So when my daughter one day said to me that I needed to work on my boundaries, she was right, although I had a different opinion of what that work was.
When you let someone step on your boundaries or don’t have a clear understanding of what or how to set them, you act it out on others. It can be a daunting task to learn how to lovingly set and enforce boundaries. It has taken me a lifetime, which is why I’m so passionate about teaching other women the right way and the right language to communicate expectations and boundaries. I sure hope that one day soon my daughter will see me as the brilliant, supportive and compassionate woman and mother I am and we can work on growing those boundaries together. Until then, I’ll keep working on my book – all about boundaries.
Alexander Pope said, “to err is human, to forgive divine.”
I first heard this saying from my mother when I was growing up. I didn’t realize how important it was until I was much older. Ah, with age comes wisdom…thankfully.
Are you holding a grudge? The truth is we all make mistakes and holding a grudge is not only silly and useless, it can be harmful.
I’m sure you’ve heard astounding stories about a murder victim’s parents forgiving the murderer and you might wonder ‘how do they do that’? How do you forgive someone for taking what’s most precious from you? These astounding forgiveness stories have a common theme. All the forgivers say they felt stuck in never-ending pain and loss. That they couldn’t move out of the pain of the past until they came to some level of forgiveness in the present.
Simply put, forgiveness is healing and moves your life forward.
Holding a grudge simply masks the hurt of the perceived “wrongdoing.” Sadly, it only really has impact on you since the perceived wrongdoer seldom realizes you even have these feelings (nor can they do anything about them). What’s more, living in denial or holding on to your self-righteous anger, resentment, pride, and judgment likely keeps you from the very thing you want most – happy, loving and lasting professional and personal relationships.
Do I sound unsympathetic? On the contrary I have compassion for you and your perception of the “offense.” I understand. I also know that love, acceptance and forgiveness feel better than judgment, pride and resentment. Love, or at least acceptance (non-judgment) is your natural state of being and feeling anger, resentment, fear and other harsh feelings can be brutally debilitating, all because of a story of perceived wrong you have going on in your head.
How do you forgive what seems like an unforgivable act? You have to be willing to look at your own part in the play, which is often the hardest part. Sometimes it means admitting, “I was wrong” without choking on those words. Other times you may feel you have nothing to forgive. That’s fine, but sometimes just taking the perspective of “this person was just doing the best they knew how” (acceptance) is enough to move out of the resentment or judgment of the past.
Here’s what I know for a fact. After watching my partner die a horrible death from cancer I know that every moment counts and every moment needs to be the best it can be. I know that these perceived “wrongs” or misunderstandings are never as bad, intentional, or unforgivable as it may feel in the moment or even upon reflection and that its just a story you have running around your head. You CAN pick a new and healthier story to live in your head. You CAN choose to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your direction.
The Hawaiians have a beautiful forgiveness process called Ho’oponopono. Ho’oponopono means to make things “right” inside because they know the value of working together and working from love rather than anger and resentment.
If you’ve been hanging on to these old stories, resentments and anger then I invite you to choose a better way by downloading my FREE Ho’oponopono meditation. I believe it is so important that I made the meditation available to everyone on my website. Just click any of the links and download your way to the kind of successful relationships you truly want.
Recently I spent a few hours in the ER. I’m fine now, but I wasn’t. Two nights in a row, as I was laying down in the evening, just minding my own business and watching TV, I experienced a very frightening “episode.”
I consider myself to be in very good health. I work out three times a week, have lost extra weight and my last test results came back so good, even I was surprised. My blood pressure is an almost constant 118/70. It never really changes or goes up. So when I started to experience a quickening of my heart and a pounding in my head so much so that it startled me, I correctly felt some concern.
The first episode was on Wednesday night and the second on Thursday night, both near the same time and both while I was completely at rest. Weird, right?
Frankly, this second episode scared me so much I called into the advice nurse (alas, I waited on hold for more than 50 minutes – not useful). Then I decided to ask my neighbor to take me to the ER. My head was pounding so hard I thought I might have a stroke! My Fitbit told me I was in “cardio” mode and since I was simply standing still this was alarming! Additionally, I was very nauseous so wondered if I might be having a heart attack.
Since the symptoms escalated I said “we need to call 911.” In 3 minutes I had a plethora of very capable and delightfully attractive paramedics standing in my living room hooking me up to a heart monitor and talking to me. Thankfully, they confirmed it wasn’t a heart attack! They asked about my medications and if I was taking anything new?
Aha…! I’ve had chronic back pain for as far back as I can remember. I’ve done a tremendous amount of practitioner centered and self-healing work on this and I’m at the point where I mostly manage the pain. Sometimes it flares up and then it’s bad, but that’s another story. My pain management includes the use of prescription medication and frankly I do not like doing this. So in my quest to find an alternative, I turned to CBD. CBD is Cannabidiol and is a compound found of marijuana. I’m not going to get into the science of it; you can look that up. What I found was that it is supposed to be really good for treating inflammation and pain without the “high.” This sounded great! I had some in capsule form so I went for it. I took one in the evening and slept well and found that my pain was decreased. Yeah!! I took another the next night and didn’t find as much relief. By the time I took the third capsule, it triggered an allergic response only I didn’t know that’s what it was because it happened so long after I’d taken the supplement.
Now that I’ve stopped the supplement it’s clear that was the problem.
Here’s my awareness from this experience. First of all, I realized an allergic response can come days, weeks or longer after ingesting something. It happened to me a year ago when I took a different prescribed anti-inflammatory and the reaction occurred after 2 weeks. That allergic reaction caused severe muscle weakness and pain, plate hives (itching spots the size of plates) and affected my brain!
I guess I just thought that an allergic reaction happens immediately – and maybe it does sometimes – but that may not the norm!
The other awareness I got was that as much as I think I’m “immortal” my human body is not. The possibility that I was having a life threatening experience brought me front and center with my own mortality and frankly, it was an interesting experience.
While I am not afraid of dying, after all, I talk to dead people and I know what’s on the other side, I awake each day with the notion of living with purpose, love, and compassion and the intention to thrive in my own life. It is my focus.
Still, lying in the ER bed with a heart monitor and blood pressure cuff attached was a surreal experience.
So folks, beware of allergic reactions that can follow long after ingesting something. Know your body and don’t be afraid to call 911, if nothing else you will be surrounded by people who are completely there for your benefit and care and they might all be hunks!
In part one I talked about how people want the magic bullet solution to their problems and I opinioned that you are the magic bullet! Since you are the one who creates your reality, you are the one who can change it! And as you know you cannot change anyone else so stop this fruitless exercise.
Why You Need to Acknowledge Your Beliefs.
Beliefs are habitual and the more you repeat them the more you believe them, negative or positive. Remembering that you were not born with your beliefs and that you’ve learned them provides you with the empowered perspective you need to change them.
You can only change what you acknowledge exists. Acknowledge your beliefs for what they currently are. Changing a belief may be physically uncomfortable as well as emotionally painful (such as quitting an addiction).
Fear is a Belief.
Unless it is a threat to your existence, fear itself is generally self-created. As humans we tend to fall into the “what if” syndrome. “What will happen if I try this and it doesn’t work?” “What will happen if I don’t do that?” We can “what if” ourselves into being afraid and stuck.
Somewhere along the way you learned to be afraid. If you hadn’t learned this belief you wouldn’t even know to do it. Fear is a belief.
Getting out of the “what if” syndrome.
All of your feelings, emotions, memories, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, (remember it’s all about beliefs) create your reality. I know it can be a challenge to change your beliefs so how about just broadening your perspective?
Below is a short version of an exercise I do with my clients to broaden their perspective and change the “what if” thoughts.
Describe the problem out loud as if you were explaining it to a friend, including how it makes you feel (frustrated, disappointed, anxious, etc.).
Say to yourself “how else can I look at this problem or challenge?” or “what can I do to change the situation?”
Repeat the above questions until you come up with 4 or five different perspectives (possible solutions). They don’t even have to be realistic (in fact sometimes it’s better if they are not). It’s simply to open up your mind to the possibilities so you can stretch beyond your blocks.
Persistence and Courage.
Now it is time to take a journey. This journey is to a special place within you. It is to your place of strength, courage, wisdom and empowerment, and also your pain.
You will come to the edge of this pain and fear and wonder if you can step into it. You may waiver…it is the place you most want to avoid going. Persist. This is the hardest part. Inch a bit closer. Enter the place that scares you most.
Your mind may tell you it’s too hard or it may even trick you into believing you’ve already done the work (hint: if the problem still exists, you have work to do). Persist. Talk yourself through it. Slip into the feelings and let them envelope you until your pain, discomfort and fear begin to subside. You can do it!
It may feel like you have climbed a mountain! You can now finally look at this challenge for what it was; a belief you once heldthat is no longer your reality. You have consciously changed the habitual belief and this changes your present and future.
You may be working with an old, old pattern and you will likely have to repeat the above process (maybe several times). It can be very hard at times. I get it; I’ve been there. Know this, the excuses or doubts are fear in disguise. You have the courage, power and persistence to get where you want to be. You will face what’s waiting on the other side when you get there and not before. Make this your new belief!
I recently spoke at my spiritual church about How to Say “No” Without Guilt (aka Boundary Setting) and boy was it good! It is a timely topic, although, I believe it is the perfect topic all year round. Since I am still writing my book of the same title (I’ve been lagging), it always reinvigorates me to speak about this topic.
Right after my talk a woman came up to me and said I had described her to a tee. She had so much resentment built up she was ready to divorce her husband. I asked her “do you really want to divorce him or do you want things to change?” Her response was she wanted things to change. Now listen, when you’ve been married for a long time and the patterns are ingrained it’s gonna take some work to make things different.
I am a recovering “people pleaser.” If you are not, you are lucky! I will say that in my experience about 90% of all the women I meet and hear from possess some degree of this characteristic. I personally believe it is inherent in the female genetic code (not to mention centuries of behavioral oppression and socialization). I grew up believing if I just went along with my family or boss or whomever, things would eventually sort themselves out. This is a myth! The more you sweep your frustration, anger, resentment, fear and hurt under the rug, the more it piles up. Then eventually there is a bigger mess to clean up.
People pleasers do not want to disappoint others or engage in confrontation. Generally speaking, people pleasers simply haven’t learned the specific language skills to say “no” and set empowered boundaries for themselves. There is good news though. You can learn these new language skills and the more you work on them the smaller the resentment pile becomes.
Whether it is a spouse, co-worker, friend, family member, or other, if you have the “people pleasing” characteristic it is important to work on it because otherwise you will always wrestle with your self-worth.
I’m going to state up front that you need to be realistic about your expectations. You cannot make these changes overnight. If you try to chew off too big a bite, you may suffer a setback and this is not helpful. So here is a simple strategy to get you started.
Start small. Work on your awareness. When do you say “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Look for this specific pattern and once you find it the next step is to change it.
You must begin to deliberately and consciously make a change. WARNING: Since you are a people pleaser and don’t want confrontation, switching from your “knee-jerk yes pattern” to an empowered “no” is unlikely right away. You need what I call a “stop-gap” response and I have the language for you start using.
Here are my 7 magic words: Hmm, I’d like to think about this.
Why are they magic? You’ve been agreeable for a long time. The phrase, hmm, I’d like to think about this gives you time to think about how you feel about what’s being asked of you. When you immediately respond with your knee-jerk “yes,” you are repeating your disempowering pattern. My 7 magic words are very purposeful and specific so DON’T change any of them. Memorize this just as it is.
This phrase is non-confrontational. In fact it is a very respectful response and if someone balks at it you can say to them “well don’t you want me to give you a thoughtful and respectful response?” That should stop them, if it doesn’t simply repeat it all again. You may need to repeat yourself several times. This is FINE!
I tell my students and clients to practice this phrase ad nauseam. Do it until you and everyone around you is sick of hearing it. You need to do this because your subconscious mind will try to play tricks on you and get you to say “yes” because it is your old pattern. You must change the pattern.
Lastly, don’t confuse this phrase with the word “maybe,” it’s not the same. You obviously want to use it where it makes sense. Just do your best and remember, hmm, I’d like to think about this will give you the time you need to be considerate about your responses in the future rather than automatic and this is the first step to freeing yourself from being a people pleaser.
Do you ever go into the “what if” place? You know, “what if this happens or doesn’t happen?” What if blah de blah de blah happens? It a place where your mind can spin out of control and push you over the edge. Umm, not helpful!
The fastest and easiest method I’ve ever come across to stop your mind from spinning out of control is called Grounding. If you’ve heard of grounding, great! Keep reading because I bet you haven’t heard of this method.
What is grounding and when do you need to do it? Grounding is just what it sounds like. Being focused in the present, the here and now and feeling solid like you are connected to the Earth and have your wits about you. There are many reasons and situations to want to feel grounded. If you are someone who suffers from anxiety, grounding is important to you. If you are feeling panicked about something you cannot make sound decisions and choices, grounding is essential. If you are like me and perform work in other realms you need to come back to the present when done, so grounding is necessary to interact in the human world. If you find yourself thinking “what if this” or “what if that” then grounding is critical for you to stop your mind from spinning of control. Remember that “what if” generally never happens, it’s just your fear of it happening and that fear can keep you from living a life of value and meaning.
When I first become a life coach back in 2001, one of my favorite books was Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. For such a seemingly small book it was surprisingly challenging to work through. I don’t remember much else from his book since it was so long ago that I worked in it and I may just decide to revisit it again sometime soon. What I do remember is this powerful way to silently, quickly, and non-emotionally bring yourself back down to Earth, focus your energy and stop your mind from spinning.
It is so surprisingly easy that you could do this in as little as 10 seconds in any public place and not one person would have any idea that you were doing it.
Here’s how I remember it and do. You want to bring in your 5 senses. You are not describing what is happening, simply making an observation and statement. There is no judgment or value placed it on, simply a statement. Here’s what it might sound like in your head:
“I am sitting at my desk typing this. I feel my hands on the computer. I hear the keys clicking; I see the letters and words appear on the page. I hear the music playing in the background. I see my cat lying on the floor next to me. I taste the lingering mint in my mouth from my discarded piece of gum. I feel the cold air on my feet from the air conditioner.”
If you could smell something you would bring that in as well. When you observe and bring in your senses you are solely in the present. You are feeling, sensing, hearing, seeing, touching, tasting and even smelling. You simply want to state to yourself what those things are. Doing this brings you into a place of neutrality and focus and stops the spin.
I recently gave several readings where everyone I spoke to felt like whatever was going wrong in their life was their fault. Conversely, maybe you know people who think everything that goes wrong is because of something or someone else. You often end up at one of the two ends of the spectrum – self-flagellation or complete lack of responsibility. So why do we do it and how do we stop? After all, it has to be someone’s fault…right?
Humans are programmed to want to find reasons why things happen in order to find solutions to problems. You play detective: where did this problem originate? Who started it? This is your default thought process. You think it helps you to make sense of a problem and sometimes it can. But making things “black or white; right or wrong; yes or no” can often be a deep source of frustration, hopelessness, guilt and anxiety and cause undue stress, overwhelm, resentment and a myriad of other negative feelings. It’s also hugely limiting because if it isn’t one thing or the other, what is it?
What happens with blame?
When you place blame, you may feel better initially, but the truth is you give away your own empowerment and ability to make impactful change in your own life when you resort to blame, be it on someone else or yourself. Blame is unresourceful. It doesn’t solve any problem. You can feel self-righteous about it, but it still does not solve the problem. It gives you NO choices.
Blame is a spiral. It is a never-ending cycle of negative feelings. Also, sometimes there is NO apparent good reason as to why something happened. Sometimes there is a cosmic occurrence. Whether you believe in astrology or not, the fact is our solar system and the Universes beyond are all driven by powerful energetic forces. So while I will always default to one’s own responsibility to make choices and problem solve, you also have to remember that it’s not just you in this world; sometimes the correct response is to step back and be introspective rather than action driven. It’s another great ability to cultivate in response to things outside our own control.
I like “response-ability.” Blame is completely disempowering, plain and simple! Response-ability on the other hand is empowering and choice driven. I think of it this way: “Response-ability.” It is your opportunity to develop new abilities to respond to certain situations. Blame keeps you stuck, resentful, angry and feeling down. Response-ability or choice is uplifting and full of action and momentum.
Blame is not useful. Response-ability is useful AND empowering. So ask yourself these questions when you want to place blame:
How does it help me to blame ____________________?
What do I get out of blaming _____________________?
What would I rather have instead?
What are my choices and how do I enact them to be more empowered?