I recently gave several readings where everyone I spoke to felt like whatever was going wrong in their life was their fault. Conversely, maybe you know people who think everything that goes wrong is because of something or someone else. You often end up at one of the two ends of the spectrum – self-flagellation or complete lack of responsibility. So why do we do it and how do we stop? After all, it has to be someone’s fault…right?
Humans are programmed to want to find reasons why things happen in order to find solutions to problems. You play detective: where did this problem originate? Who started it? This is your default thought process. You think it helps you to make sense of a problem and sometimes it can. But making things “black or white; right or wrong; yes or no” can often be a deep source of frustration, hopelessness, guilt and anxiety and cause undue stress, overwhelm, resentment and a myriad of other negative feelings. It’s also hugely limiting because if it isn’t one thing or the other, what is it?
What happens with blame?
- When you place blame, you may feel better initially, but the truth is you give away your own empowerment and ability to make impactful change in your own life when you resort to blame, be it on someone else or yourself. Blame is unresourceful. It doesn’t solve any problem. You can feel self-righteous about it, but it still does not solve the problem. It gives you NO choices.
- Blame is a spiral. It is a never-ending cycle of negative feelings. Also, sometimes there is NO apparent good reason as to why something happened. Sometimes there is a cosmic occurrence. Whether you believe in astrology or not, the fact is our solar system and the Universes beyond are all driven by powerful energetic forces. So while I will always default to one’s own responsibility to make choices and problem solve, you also have to remember that it’s not just you in this world; sometimes the correct response is to step back and be introspective rather than action driven. It’s another great ability to cultivate in response to things outside our own control.
- I like “response-ability.” Blame is completely disempowering, plain and simple! Response-ability on the other hand is empowering and choice driven. I think of it this way: “Response-ability.” It is your opportunity to develop new abilities to respond to certain situations. Blame keeps you stuck, resentful, angry and feeling down. Response-ability or choice is uplifting and full of action and momentum.
Blame is not useful. Response-ability is useful AND empowering. So ask yourself these questions when you want to place blame:
- How does it help me to blame ____________________?
- What do I get out of blaming _____________________?
- What would I rather have instead?
- What are my choices and how do I enact them to be more empowered?
Julie Hawkins is the Biz Psychic and Women’s Empowerment Coach. www.juliehawkins.com